I don’t own Torchwood or Buffy the Vampire Slayer … I do however own the cracked story idea – and proud of it, thankyouverymuch!  I don’t own the title of this story either, however, that was thought up by the wonderful </a></b></a>ickle18(I say wonderful because anyone who can come up with this title must be), the daughter of </a></b></a>missthingsplace  THANK YOU!

Monday 28th July
20:47

As Jack, Ianto and Owen wandered around the hall Xander and Anya’s wedding was taking place in, they were secretly praying no alien would turn up and try and maul the bride this time.  The wedding was to take place in ten minutes and although no aliens had arrived as of yet, nothing was quite going to plan.  Martha, who Xander and Anya had grown quite close to before she had returned to U.N.I.T., was yet to arrive, Buffy’s dress had split a seam at the back (Owen reckoned she’d done it deliberately) and was being repaired and Spike had almost been staked by Xander for making an appearance like his fiancé had requested.

But, Xander and Anya were still happy, because Xander didn’t have to cope with his family attending and Anya didn’t have to deal with too many demon buddies (no one could quite work out how Anya had tracked down half her demonic friends. Had all her friends fallen through the rift?).

Buffy, Willow and Gwen were bustling around in their radioactive green dresses, helping Anya and Xander prepare, Owen snickering each time he saw them, and although Anya had requested formal wear to be worn, Jack and Ianto were dressed in their usual attire, much to Anya and Xander’s chagrin.  Jack had seen Buffy walk past Spike a few times, pausing only for a quick kiss, before continuing on her way. She really did love him, he mused, with a smile, he just didn’t seem to realise it yet.

 “This is going all too well,” Owen commented. “Everything is too normal.”

Jack nodded. “I know what you mean. It’s like the world’s going to end any minute.”

 “As long as they get through the ceremony in one piece,” Ianto said, “then after that the world can end any time it likes.”

Jack laughed as Buffy ran past again, dress swishing as she moved and her blonde hair a mess. “You do realise the entire Torchwood team is here and no one is monitoring the rift?” Owen pointed out.

 “Yep,” Jack replied. “So if the world does decide to end, we won’t know about it until ... well ... it ends.”

 “Yay,” Owen said, deadpan.

 “Yay,” Jack copied.

Ianto rolled his eyes and walked away.

21:26

When Martha finally arrived, she was wearing a simple black party dress, and looking like she’d run a mile. “I am so sorry I’m late!” she exclaimed, hugging Anya as soon as she saw her. “I didn’t mean to be ... U.N.I.T. had an emergency and I couldn’t get away. I tried, really I did, but they just kept delaying me and delaying me ...”

 “It’s fine,” Anya insisted, hugging Martha back. “You made it, that’s all that really matters.”  She smiled at Martha. “Now... go find Jack. I’m busy getting ready for my wedding!” She let out a squeal at the last bit, making Martha smile fondly and leave the room to do as she said.

Martha wandered around for a while until she found Ianto, who she also greeted with a hug.  After a brief greeting she asked, “I was looking for Jack. Any idea where he is?”

Ianto shrugged. “He’s around here somewhere,” he said. “He started talking about the end of the world, so I walked away.”

Martha laughed. “Help me find him?” Ianto nodded and offered her his arm. Together they walked off through the crowd to find Jack.  They found him stood with Owen, Tosh and Faith, talking about rift predictions. After a quick hug, Martha pulled him to one side to ask him, quietly, how he was.

 “I’m fine,” he replied, with a smile.

 “Have you two spoken about Cole since?”

His smile faded. “Ianto tried to Saturday, but someone” – he jerked a thumb at Faith – “interrupted us. He hasn’t tried since.”

Martha gave him a sympathetic smile. “I’m sure he will,” she said, “just give him time.”

Jack shrugged. “I’ve waited five months for him to bring the subject up, so I guess I can wait another five or six. I have all the time in the universe, after all,” he said, with a sad smile.

21:37

 “Are you positive you want to use ‘sex poodle’ in your vows?” Buffy asked, eyes widening.

 “What’s wrong with it? I’m his sex poodle, so I don't see why I can’t tell the world that,” Anya said. “I will love him, cherish him, honour him and be his sex poodle.”

Buffy made a noncommittal noise. “If you’re sure.”

 “I am.” Anya turned to the mirror, examining herself. “Think I look okay?” she said, nervously.

 “You look gorgeous,” Buffy complimented. “I’m sure your dress will inspire many a lewd comment from Jack.”

Anya chuckled. Since they had come to this world, Jack had become a human measuring tape for how good someone looked. “You don't think my hair should go up a bit more?”

 “No,” Buffy insisted, “you look perfect as you are.”

Anya nodded, bouncing on the balls of her feet, excitedly. “I can’t believe this is really happening,” she said. “Me ... getting married.”

 “I can’t believe it either,” Buffy said. “Xander ... Xander who chased after me when I went to slay vampires for the first time in Sunnydale and saved my life when the Master killed me.” She took a deep breath. “I can’t believe he is getting married.” Buffy took a deep breath. “I’m going to go... elsewhere,” she said, as Anya began reciting her vows again. 

A few minutes later, Buffy joined up with Jack, Ianto, Owen, Faith, Tosh and Martha. “Everything seems to be going well,” she said, which was answered by a unanimous mumble of agreement. “Other than the wedding cake turning up with blue icing everything seems fine ...” She took a deep breath and looked at the others. “Anyone else feel like the world is about to end?”

 “Yep.”

 “Yes.”

 “Quite.”

 “Most bloody likely.”

 “Oh yeah.”

 “Absolutely.”

 “So long as we’re all in agreement,” Buffy said, leaning against the wall with a sigh.

21:41

When Anya came running out of her room and over to Buffy, panic stricken, the entire Torchwood team tensed, anticipating the worst.

 “There’s a man-eating alien in my room!”

or

 “I’m pregnant with an alien baby!”

or

 “A demon just stole the rings!”

or

 “I’ve changed my mind!”

But, in fact, the problem was something quite simple. “I don't have something borrowed ... or blue ... or new ... or old.”

Buffy blinked. “And you think about this now?”

Anya nodded. “What can I do?!”

Grimacing, Buffy reached into the back of her dress and pulled out Mister Pointy. “Here,” she said, handing the stake to Anya. “Something borrowed.”

Anya held the piece of wood out, gingerly. “I can’t have this,” she said. “It’s a stake. Where am I supposed to put this?”

 “Be inventive,” Jack suggested, earning himself a glare from Buffy and a slap on the arm from Martha.

 “Look, it’s this or nothing,” Buffy pointed out.

Anya eyed the stake. “Can’t I borrow a necklace or something?”

Buffy put a hand on her throat. “Does it look like I’m wearing any jewellery?” She turned to the group. “Any of you got anything?”

Jack reached into his pocket and pulled out a white handkerchief, which instantly made Ianto dissolve into peels of hysterical laughter. Buffy looked at him, oddly, and Jack said, “You really don't want to know.” He offered it to Anya, who accepted it, stuffing it down her cleavage. “I’m gonna be wanting that back,” Jack said.

 “You’ll get it back,” Buffy promised. “Now, something new, old and blue?”

Martha rolled her eyes and reached into her pocket, pulling out a key on a chain. “Is that...?” Jack asked, and she nodded mutely as she passed it to Anya.

 “Not much gets older than this,” she informed her. “Do not lose it, whatever you do. Oh, and don't put it round your neck, you want to be noticed.”

Anya raised an eyebrow, but stuffed it inside the handkerchief in her cleavage, nonetheless.  “New and blue.”

Everyone looked at Faith, who shrugged and walked away. Rolling their collective eyes, they looked at Tosh, who sighed and slipped off the bracelet around her wrist. “It has blue stones,” she informed Anya, as she fastened it around her wrist.

 “And new?”

Owen was the next to be looked at and he held up his hands. “Don't look at me; I’m not one to indulge superstition.”

 “The world is being slowly overrun by demons, vampires and the forces of darkness and you chose now to stop being superstitious?” Jack demanded.

Owen shrugged. “I’ve never been superstitious.”

Jack rolled his eyes, but refrained from comment. 

 “So, something new?” Anya said, hopping around nervously. “I’m supposed to be getting married in ten minutes!”

 “It’ll be fine, Anya,” Buffy promised. “As long as you remember your vows and you have Xander, everything will be fine.” She turned to her friends and hissed, “Get us something new!”

 “I have new shoes,” Tosh said. “Bought them yesterday.”

Anya looked down at them. “They’re red. My dress is white. I think that would be more bad luck than going without.”

Buffy looked pleadingly at Ianto. “Anything in your bag of tricks that would work?”  

Jack choked on air and Ianto glared at him. “She doesn’t mean that bag, Jack,” he informed him, causing the whole group to raise their eyebrows at him. He rolled his eyes. “Don't ask.” He walked away for a minute and came back with his bag. “She meant this one.”

 “Ohh,” Jack said, “I thought she meant...” He started chuckling and Ianto glowered at him.

 “Here.” Ianto reached inside and pulled out a pretty silver necklace. “I bought this earlier for my sister. It’s new. Brand new.” He offered it to Anya, who turned round to have Buffy put it on her.

 “Thank you!” she squealed at them all. “I guess I’m ready to go ...”

22:01

Anya was half way up the aisle when the trouble started, hoards of demons crashing through the windows and assaulting the guests.  Buffy was the first to spring into action, staking three vampires and diving into the crowd to peel a M’fashnik demon off Xander. “Buffy! Thank you! Thank you so much!” Xander gushed. “I can’t believe after I’ve been so mean to you recently you still saved my life!”

Buffy opened her eyes and sighed, watching Anya walking up the aisle towards her, Xander, Willow and Gwen. She had hoped to reconcile with Xander before the big day, but now that was off the cards. It saddened her.  She gave Spike a little wave from where she was standing and was gratified to see him smile back at her from where he was sat, talking to Owen.

She wondered for a moment what they were talking about, but that quickly passed when Anya arrived by Xander’s side. They joined hands and faced the celebrant, who smiled mildly and began the service. When Anya said her vows, she had ignored Buffy’s suggestion and told Xander, and the guests, that she would be his ‘sex poodle’ and would ‘cherish and honour’ him and ‘have sex with him whenever she wanted’.  Xander smiled fondly, even as everyone else flinched.

Xander promised to be faithful and not cause her to exact vengeance, that he would love her for the rest of his life no matter if he lived for another day or another century and that he would never hurt her if he could help it. Buffy smiled at that, she couldn’t help it. It was just so sweet. Willow provided the rings, which the bride and groom exchanged and then, before the celebrant could say ‘you may now kiss the bride’ Anya had grabbed Xander and was kissing him hard on the mouth. The celebrant rolled his eyes and walked away after pronouncing them husband and wife, leaving the guests to clap in celebration. Willow, Tosh, Martha, Gwen and Faith and Jack (much to Xander’s annoyance) hugged the groom, and everyone, including Spike, hugged Anya.

 “Now ... let’s go have drinks and eat!” Anya said, grinning.

22:37

For two people who had recently fallen from one universe into another, Buffy was surprised just how many guests had attended Anya and Xander’s wedding, but, she supposed, you couldn’t be that nice without making friends instantly.

Buffy was sat at the table next to Willow and Spike, picking her way through some food she’d picked up from the buffet, a slice of blue wedding cake sitting to one side of her, begging to be eaten.  She reached out with her finger and swiped at the icing, licking the blue sugary goodness off her finger, knowing Spike was watching her intently.  She grinned at him and sucked her finger, causing him to squirm next to her. She smirked at him as Xander and Anya stood up, walking out onto the dance floor together to have the first dance. 

She smiled at them dancing like loons on the dance floor.   She still remembered watching them do that in the bronze what felt like years before. Xander spun Anya around, letting her spin in to be flush against his chest then out again at arm’s length. 

 “Care to dance?” Spike asked.

Buffy snorted. “Not until there is a slightly less ... raucous song,” she said, as Xander and Anya began dancing madly on the floor. Spike chuckled and put his arm around Buffy’s shoulders, pulling her in to lean against his chest.  She saw Xander, on the dance floor, look their way and lock his eyes with hers. Expecting tension or anger, she was surprised to see him smile gently and nod. 

After a while, the song calmed down slightly and Willow stood up. “I’m going to go kiss goodbye to my last shred of dignity,” she commented, as she walked onto the dance floor and asked to cut in. Buffy watched as she danced with Xander for a while, talking and making Xander laugh, as Ianto walked over and asked Anya for a dance.  She was surprised, she didn’t even think they were friends.

When Tosh asked to cut in and went off dancing with Willow, Buffy bit the bullet and went out onto the dance floor. “May I ... have this dance?” she asked Xander, nervously.

Xander nodded and took her into his arms as a slow song started. “Look, Buffy, I want to say I’m sorry.” Buffy looked surprised. “I ... I just don't want to see you get hurt again like with Angel.”

Buffy flinched. “Angel isn’t here. Spike is and I lo-care about him ... a lot. He won’t hurt me.”

 “He’s a soulless demon,” Xander pointed out.

 “Like creatures with souls don’t hurt people and do horrible things.” She looked pointedly at Faith, who was now dancing with Jack.

Xander nodded. “I see your point,” he said. “Answer me something, though … if we were still in our world … do you think you would be with Spike?”

Buffy looked across at Spike then back at Xander. “I don't know,” she said. “I really don't. I don't care, either, because all that matters is the here and now ... and here and now I want to be with him.”

Xander sighed. “No talking you out of it, huh?”

 “Nope,” Buffy insisted as Anya approached.

“Are we friends again?” Xander asked, quietly.

Buffy nodded. “We never really stopped.”  She leant up and kissed him softly on the cheek. “Congratulations on your marriage,” she said, stepping back and allowing Anya to dance with her husband again.

Buffy, radioactive dress glowing beneath the lights, drifted away from the happy couple and across the dance floor.  Seconds later she was tapped on the shoulder and, expecting Spike to be behind her, she turned round, smiling.

Owen was there, hand extended. “May I have this dance?” he asked.

Buffy eyed the hand, cautiously. “I ... oh, go on then,” she conceded after a moment, taking the hand and letting Owen pull her in for a dance.

23:59

 “Did you ever dream of a big white wedding?” Tosh asked Willow during a slow dance.

Willow nodded. “Yeah, I did. I always saw myself in a big, white, flowing dress, walking up the aisle with some handsome man who, over the years, mutated from a variety of different celebrities to Xander and to Oz ... I saw myself with a lovely bouquet and a long white veil ...” She smiled at Tosh. “But it’s not going to happen. So there’s no point thinking about it.”

Tosh smiled. “You never know. I might marry you and give you a lovely white wedding with bouquets and white dresses. I look quite good in a tux.”

Willow laughed and leaned in to kiss Tosh softly. “I bet you do.”

 “So you used to fancy Xander, huh?” Tosh said, cheekily. “Do I need to feel threatened?”

Willow shook her head. “No, no, no! You don't have to be threatened! No way! I was over him long ago.”

Tosh smiled and touched her chin. “I was joking,” she said, gently.  Willow relaxed and laughed a little as she glanced across the dance floor. “Is Buffy dancing with Owen?” she gasped.

Following her gaze, Tosh said, “Yep, it looks like it.  They seem to have grown very close recently.”

 “A bit too close,” Willow observed. “Is it me or is there something in the way Owen looks at her?”

Tosh looked closely. “Looks like it. I think maybe he fancies her.  Oh, look ... is that Jack coming across to cut in?”

Sure enough, Jack was walking across the dance floor, making a beeline for Buffy, asking to cut in and joining her in a slow dance. 

 “Funny,” Willow commented. “I thought it was the bride everyone was supposed to want to dance with.”

Tosh giggled. “I think the bride is occupied.” She nodded across at Anya, who was kissing Xander, passionately, all thought of dancing forgotten.

00:07

 “Enjoying the party?” Jack asked, softly, as he and Buffy danced.

Buffy nodded. “I am. I’ve never danced so much in my life, and I’m not even the bride.”

 “You will be one day,” Jack offered.

Snorting in an unladylike manner, Buffy said, “I don't know. Vampires don't seem the marriage type somehow.”

Jack smirked. “You really love him, don't you?” Buffy ducked her head down to avoid his eyes and Jack smiled. “It’s okay to love someone unusual, you know,” he said. “I once loved a man with two hearts.”

Buffy looked up and blinked at him. “Two hearts?” She shook her head to clear it. “I don't know,” she said. “But you better go dance with your significant other.” She nodded at Spike, who was approaching. “He’s been waiting for his dance long enough.”

Jack nodded and separated himself from Buffy, striding straight across the dance floor and taking a surprised Ianto into his arms. “Hello there,” he whispered in his ear. “Did you miss me?”

Ianto rolled his eyes. “Of course. Life wasn’t worth living for those few moments I was without you.”

Jack laughed, but had a feeling Ianto was being partially serious. He kissed him, ignoring the undignified squeak it produced from the younger man. “We’re amongst friends,” he said, once he pulled back, a few minutes later. “And even your parents know now.  Loosen up a bit.”

Ianto sighed. “I just don't like public displays of affection. They make me uncomfortable.”

 “This isn’t public,” Jack said. “Name one face here that you don’t know.”

Ianto rolled his eyes and carried on dancing.

00:19

 “You dance well for a dead guy,” Buffy commented, one hand resting on Spike’s shoulder, the other grasped tightly in his cool hand.

 “Dru used to love dancing. I learned for her. I used to hate it ... she used to complain all the time.  Dancing with you is different,” Spike said. “You never criticise me.”

Buffy smiled at him and removed her hand from his, instead hooking it around his neck along with her other. “Because there’s nothing to criticise,” she informed him, gently, leaning up to kiss him softly on the lips.  Within seconds the kiss had deepened, her hands finding themselves in his hair as they kissed. After a moment she pulled back, breathless. “We should make our exit early,” she said, gently. “I have plans for you tonight.”

Spike smiled at her. “I like the sound of that.”

03:02

It ended up that no one from the Torchwood gang left early. Instead, the whole group found themselves sitting at the tables getting completely blind drunk in celebration and staggering home at three AM after a night of swapping embarrassing childhood tales (it amazed Buffy how many embarrassing tales Spike had of his human years. Even Xander seemed impressed by some of them) and talking about how different their life was from how they’d planned it to be. 

Buffy said she was shocked she wasn’t dead (permanently) yet.

Faith said she had expected to still be in jail.

Martha commented she had been expecting to become a doctor, find a husband, settle down and have kids.

 “And instead you ended up travelling with a Doctor and working for U.N.I.T.,” Jack said, causing Martha to glare at him.

Gwen started to say something before passing out on the table.  Jack called Rhys to come and fetch her, much to Rhys’ annoyance.

Spike said he should be dead.  Xander agreed.

Xander and Anya said they were exactly where they wanted to be before smiling at each other, drunkenly. 

The others garbled something each, but no one really understood what they were saying.  Jack and Ianto, however, were sat just a bit away from the table, not drinking themselves, just listening to the conversation and occasionally chipping in, content to laugh at the drunken ramblings of their comrades.

When Tosh’s PDA beeped, she tossed it at Ianto, who caught it and checked the screen. “Major demonic activity,” Ianto said. “Something about a man in a black coat fighting demons ...” He shrugged. “Think we should check it out?”

Jack nodded and stood up. “Would anyone like a lift home on the way?” he asked the group. Each slumped person raised a hand and Jack chuckled.

Drunk humans were so predictable.  

Next chapter.