I don’t own Torchwood or Buffy the Vampire Slayer … I do however own the cracked story idea – and proud of it, thankyouverymuch!  I don’t own the title of this story either, however, that was thought up by the wonderful </a></b></a>ickle18(I say wonderful because anyone who can come up with this title must be), the daughter of</a></b></a>missthingsplace</a>  THANK YOU!

Thursday 7th August
21:56

“If you’re not even going to try, I don’t know why you bother to come in the first place,” Faith grumbled as she helped a bruised and battered Gwen to her feet once again.

 “I am trying!” Gwen snapped. “You’re just a bad teacher.”

Faith glared at her. “Maybe if you were a bit fitter you wouldn’t have so much trouble keeping up!”

 “What are you implying?” Gwen snarled.

 “I’m saying your fat. Get over it.”

Gwen blinked at her and glowered at Owen, who was laughing nearby, face hidden by the stake in his hand, which was covering his mouth as he laughed. “Shut up!” Gwen snapped at him, angrily, only succeeding in making him laugh harder. She looked at Faith. “I’m not fat,” she said.

 “Okay, maybe fat was the wrong word. But you’re not thin,” Faith informed Gwen, being her usual diplomatic self.

Gwen brushed herself down, waving her stake in Faith’s face as she said, “I think when Jack told you to teach us hand-to-hand combat against vampires he meant do it nicely; not insult our every move.”

 “She doesn’t insult our every move,” Owen said, smirking. “Only yours.”

There was a rustle in the bushes behind Owen and Faith drew her crossbow, aiming and firing before the mere mortals had chance to even think.  The vampire yelled, the arrow piercing its heart, and fell to the ground, turning to dust.

 “Wow,” Gwen commented, awed. “That was a Xena moment.”

Faith glared at her. “See him?” She pointed at a vampire running across the cemetery. “You and Owen go and stake him.”

 “What?” Gwen yelped as Faith lounged against a tree trunk. “Alone?”

 “Alone.  Go!” Faith yelled, making Gwen jump.

 “Come on!” Owen exclaimed, grabbing Gwen by the hand and pulling her towards the vampire.  She slipped her hand free of his and they ran side-by-side until they reached the vampire, who squealed like a girl and tried to run faster.

Owen jumped on a gravestone and took a flying leap at the vampire, sailing through the air and tackling it to the ground. The vampire screamed again, rolling on top of Owen and trying to bite his neck. “Stake!” Owen yelped.

Gwen looked helplessly at the vampire above Owen and staked it.

It looked up at her, irritated.

 “The heart’s on the left side, you idiot!” Owen yelled.

 “Sorry!” Gwen squealed as the vampire lunged at her. She dodged, landing on Owen, the two of them rolling down the hill together until they hit a gravestone with a thump. 

Owen looked up at Gwen, who was straddling him, and resisted commenting on old times as he pushed her off and jumped to his feet, tackling the vampire running towards him, kneeing the vampire in the gut, punching it square in the face and hitting it on the back of the neck, sending it sprawling to the ground, landing on Gwen. He wrenched Gwen’s stake off her and jumped on the vampire, swiftly impaling it through the heart.

 “Aw, nuts,” the vampire moaned as he turned to dust.

As the vampire vanished, Owen found himself landing on Gwen, who groaned at the weight. “Get off me,” she complained. “You’re heavy.”

 “I thought you said I was light,” Owen said, levering himself onto his elbows.

 “Don’t remind me.” Gwen shoved him, standing up and brushing her clothes down with a scowl on her face. They turned to Faith as she approached.

 “That,” she said, “wasn’t half bad.” She looked moderately impressed, a goal Owen was happy to have achieved. “You two …” She pointed at both of them. “I’m going to ask Jack to partner you.”

Owen and Gwen looked at each other then back at Faith.

 “You’re what?!” Gwen yelped.

 “You can’t expect me to cope with her every night!” Owen complained.

 “You make a good team,” Faith said, with a sigh. “You each make up for the other’s weaknesses.” She tossed a stake at Owen. “Let’s go; lots more vampires for us to slay tonight!”

Owen groaned and, after a quick look at Gwen, followed Faith as she cut across the cemetery, Gwen hot on their heels.

22:34

 “Nicely done,” Jack complimented Ianto as he staked a vampire.

Ianto shrugged. “They’re easier than weevils,” he commented.

Jack grinned. “Don’t go telling Buffy that.”

 “They’re only easier because you’re here with me,” Ianto amended, with a smirk.

 “Sweet talker,” Jack said, walking towards Ianto and standing just inches in front of him.  He took his hand, face breaking out in a grin.

 “Jack,” Ianto said, knowing exactly what Jack was thinking. “We are stood in the middle of a graveyard with vampires and demons all around … and you want to have sex?”

 “Oh, you know me so well,” Jack replied, grinning as he grew closer to his partner.

 “Jack. No.”

 “Aw,” Jack whined. “Party-pooper.” He leant in and whispered in Ianto’s ear, “Doesn’t the idea of doing it here turn you on?”

Ianto closed his eyes, Jack’s breath tickling his neck and making him react physically, whether he wanted to or not. “No,” he said, but it came out strangled.

 “Liar,” Jack told him as his hand roamed downwards to cup Ianto through his jeans. Jack was always telling him how sexy he looked in a suit, but, really, he looked even sexier in jeans. 

 “I’m offended, Sir,” Ianto choked out, as Jack started to rub him. “I like to think I’m very honest.” The last word came out as a squeak as Jack’s fingers found his zip and lowered it, working their way inside his jeans.

 “Really?” Jack quizzed. “Because in that case you were telling the truth and I should just remove my hand…”

Jack’s fingers started to retreat, but their movements were hindered by Ianto clamping his hand down on Jack’s and growling, “Just shut up and kiss me.”

Jack chuckled, a deep, throaty noise that sent pleasurable shivers down Ianto’s spine, as he leant forward and kissed the younger man, silencing the moan building on his lips.

Before Ianto knew where he was, Jack had unbuttoned his jeans and they had pooled around his ankles along with his boxers. He moaned into Jack’s mouth as Jack’s warm hand surrounded his erection. “Jack …” he started as Jack released his mouth, intending to complain once more about their location, but he was silenced as Jack dropped to his knees and took him into his mouth.

Ianto’s hands flew into Jack’s hair, pulling him closer as he threw his head back against the wall behind him with a groan of pure pleasure. “Jack,” he growled as Jack’s tongue slid over his slit, causing him to buck his hips forward, thrusting into Jack’s mouth.

Jack looked up at him and Ianto groaned again. The combined expression on Jack’s face and the sight of his cock buried in his mouth was almost too much for him. “Jack… please…” he begged.

Jack relaxed his throat, taking him in deep and sucking hard, trailing his teeth over him and making him moan again.  His hands roamed up to Ianto’s arse, pulling him in further as he yelled, “Fuck, Jack!” and came in his mouth, sagging forwards to lean on Jack’s head.

Licking his lips with satisfaction, Jack rose up, a determined look on his face.  He leant forward and kissed Ianto again, his tongue delving deep into Ianto’s mouth. Ianto could taste himself on Jack’s tongue and it turned him on again. He groaned and reached forward to grab the bulge in Jack’s trousers. “What … what do you want?” he asked around the kiss.

 “I want to fuck you into the wall,” Jack informed him, lustily.

Ianto groaned. “Do it,” he said. 

Jack needed no more encouragement, spinning Ianto around to be facing the wall, bent slightly at the waist, his arse protruding out at Jack in a most delightful manner. Jack hunted through his pockets and pulled out the tube of lube he always carried with him for times like this (Ianto had once commented he made a very sexy boy scout) and flicking off the top.  He leant forward, pressing his chest flush against Ianto’s back, breathing in his heady scent (Jack may have fifty-first century pheromones but, in his opinion, Ianto’s natural musk was a lot more alluring) and tracing a line along the exposed part of Ianto’s neck with his lips and tongue.

 “Ianto,” he growled as he slicked his fingers, working one into Ianto’s arse. Ianto groaned, turning his head enough to kiss Jack again as he braced himself against the wall.

 “Jack … please,” he said.

“Patience,” Jack scolded, teasingly, as he added a second finger, brushing the tips of his fingers over Ianto’s prostate, making him buck, “is a virtue.”

 “Fuck virtue,” Ianto growled. “I want you in me.”

Jack added a third finger, using his free hand to pull the neckline of Ianto’s shirt down, exposing his flesh to Jack’s mouth. Jack’s tongue snaked out, tonguing against Ianto’s most sensitive areas on his neck.

Pulling his fingers out of Ianto, Jack pulled the lube out again, slipping his trousers and boxers off his hips, exposing his aching erection to the cool night air. He squeezed out some lube and spread it over his cock, almost coming from that alone and then he positioned himself behind Ianto, purring in his ear, “Ready for me?”

Ianto nodded silently, all coherency lost as the tip of Jack’s cock poked against his backside. Then, with one swift stroke, Jack thrust into him, filling him completely and fighting to stay completely still, waiting for the two of them to adjust.

 “Damnit, Jack … fuck me already,” Ianto moaned.

 “Your wish is my command,” Jack replied, starting to shift within Ianto, each thrust pushing Ianto towards the cool concrete beneath his fingers.   Each movement brushed Jack’s cock against Ianto’s prostate, drawing staggering gasps from the younger man until he was chanting Jack’s name like a mantra, repeating it with each of Jack’s thrusts.

Jack reached round Ianto’s body, taking his erection into his hand, pumping it rhythmically along with his thrusts.

 “Jack!” Ianto screamed as he came, his essence hitting the wall in front of him and covering Jack’s hand.

 “Ianto …” Jack gasped as his thrusts became more erratic, the feeling of the muscles of Ianto’s arse contracting around him sending him into his own orgasm. “God, I love you!”

Jack collapsed against Ianto who, in turn, buckled against the concrete wall of the crypt, too exhausted to comment on the fact they’d just fucked against someone’s final resting place.  He sighed at the loss as Jack pulled out of him, helping him turn round to lean against the wall again.  He leant in to kiss him, but Ianto stopped him with a hand against his chest.

 “Did you say … did you say you loved me?” he panted.

Jack nodded. “I know … I said it once before … but …”

 “But then you left and never said it again,” Ianto finished for him. “Did you mean it?”

Again, Jack nodded. “Of course I meant it.”

Ianto smiled and kissed him softly. “I lo…”

 “Ianto! Jack! Is that you?”  Faith’s voice called out through the darkness.

Ianto and Jack looked down at their half-naked forms, Ianto a little more embarrassedly than Jack.  They quickly pulled up their pants, yelling out, “Hang on a second, Faith!”

When they emerged from behind the crypt to meet Gwen, Owen and Faith, Faith smirked at them. “You guys were shagging back there, weren’t you?”

Ianto blushed but Jack merely smirked. “How did the hunt go?” Jack asked.

 “We staked five vampires each,” Gwen informed them, glad of the subject change.

 “No, I staked seven vampires and Gwen helped with two of them and staked three of her own,” Owen pointed out. “And Faith staked at least twelve while we were tackling our ten.”

Jack nodded. “I see.”

 “I was hoping you could tell these two to stick together in the field, Jack,” Faith said. “They make a good team.”

Jack blinked at the two of them glaring daggers at each other. “I can see that,” he said, sarcastically. 

Faith looked round at then back at Jack. “No, really, they work well as a team.” Faith shrugged. “Don’t ask me why. I don’t know.”

Jack nodded. “We done for the night?” he asked.

 “Hardly,” Faith scoffed. “Lots more vampires to slay before morning!”

The group let out a collective groan. “Faith, I’m exhausted,” Gwen moaned. “My legs hurt and I’m supposed to be going home to Rhys.”

 “Tell Rhys you’re battling the forces of darkness to protect him and your future offspring. I’m sure he’ll understand,” Owen sniped.

 “Believe it or not, Owen, I tried that.  He doesn’t,” Gwen snapped.

 “Then he shouldn’t be married to a woman working in Torchwood,” Faith growled. “Now, let’s go find more vamps to Slay!”

 “Doesn’t she ever get tired?” Ianto enquired as they followed Faith across the cemetery.

 “Doesn’t seem that way,” Jack replied, an odd look on his face.

 “Jack, whatever it is you’re thinking – don’t,” Ianto said, firmly. “Just don’t.”

Jack smirked and was about to make a raunchy innuendo when Faith turned around, continuing to walk, but backwards. “By the way, Ianto,” she said, with a grin, “your fly’s undone.”

Ianto looked down at his trousers, colouring. “It’s a zip,” he grumbled under his breath. “You’ve been living here five months … get used to our words.”

Faith laughed and started off at a run again, leaving the four of them in her dust.

 “Am I taking orders from her now?” Jack quizzed, quietly.

 “I think you are, sir,” Ianto replied.

 “Oh.” Jack looked at Faith then back at Ianto. He shrugged. “Oh well, I take orders from you, too.”

 “Yeah, but you enjoy the orders I give you.” Ianto grinned at him.

 “That I do. That I do …”

23:12

Willow flew through the air, levitating a stake to stab a vampire.  The vampire dodged, lunging at Tosh, who was also midair nearby.  She yelled out as she plummeted down to the ground and impacting the wet earth with a ‘thump’.

Tosh rolled, hitting a gravestone and groaning upon contact.  She darted to one side, avoiding the large, navy demon about to impale her with its tongue. “Contego!” she exclaimed, casting a shield around herself as the demon attempted to rip at her with its claws.  “Incendia!” she said, aiming tongues of fire at the vampire Willow was fighting nearby.

The vampire screamed, turning to dust, and Willow turned to Tosh. “Thanks, baby!” she exclaimed.

 “No problem,” Tosh replied, jumping to her feet and holding out her hands, spreading her fingers, pointing them at the demon.  Bolts of energy shot from her finger tips, zapping the demon, which flew across the cemetery, hitting the side of a crypt with a ‘crunch’.

Willow waved her hand, severing the demon’s head from its body with one move. The demon fell, lifeless, to the ground.  “Nice work,” Willow said.

 “Thanks,” Tosh replied. “You too.” She tiptoed through the litter of demon bodies and dust to reach Willow, putting her arms around her girlfriend and kissing her, gently. “How many is that now?”

 “Sixteen, plus seven back there,” Willow replied, pointing towards another part of the cemetery. “So … twenty-three in total.” She grinned.

 “And we saved that green guy who offered to be our snitch,” Tosh commented. “We have to get brownie points for that.”

 “Absolutely,” Willow responded, taking Tosh’s hand. “But now we have a major cleanup operation to do before we can go home.”  Tosh nodded and the two of them raised their arms, aiming bolts of fire at some of the corpses nearby. 

The fire went blue, incinerating the corpses instantly and leaving them a pile of ash on the ground.  Once all the bodies were dealt with, Willow pulled out a bin bag and levitated it into the air as Tosh used her magic to put the dust inside.  Willow grabbed the bag out of the air and tied the end with a satisfied smile. “Dealt with,” she said, happily.  “Let’s go home, yeah?” 

Tosh nodded and smiled. “Sounds like a plan,” she said, looping her arm through Willow’s as the two of them jumped, soaring through the air once more.

 “Have I mentioned how much I love the magic in this universe recently?” Willow enquired with a smile.

 “Yep,” Tosh replied. “I’m quite fond of it myself.”

Friday 8th August

03:42

Ianto unlocked the door to his shared flat and walked inside, Jack hot on his heels.  Once inside, he turned around and relocked it before walking across the room and flopping on the couch with a sigh. “Dear God,” he moaned, “she’s a worse slave driver than you.”

Jack snorted, walking across to sit beside Ianto. “I like to think I’m pretty easy going,” he said, a hurt tone to his voice.

 “You are,” Ianto said, softly. “But you do work us hard sometimes.”

Jack put his arm around Ianto, pulling him close against him and kissing him softly. “I can think of some hard work to do now,” he said, with a mischievous grin. 

 “Jack, the only part of my anatomy that doesn’t ache at this moment is a part you’re fond of, but I don’t plan to make it ache tonight. I just want to climb into bed and sleep,” Ianto argued.

 “Bed sounds good,” Jack purred as he traced his tongue around his ear lobe.

 “To sleep, Jack,” Ianto moaned. “You’re insatiable.”

 “I just can’t get enough of you,” Jack said with a grin.

Decisively, Ianto stood up, ignoring the pain the action brought to his calves. “Sleep tonight,” Ianto said. “Or, I should say, this morning. Then tomorrow I’ll make you as exhausted as me.” Ianto grinned at the lusty look on Jack’s face.  “Tomorrow.”

Jack nodded and shrugged. “I guess that’ll have to do,” he said, with a large grin. “Bed it is.”

Ten minutes later, they were both climbing into bed, Jack’s arm instinctively going round Ianto, who snuggled into his side.  He smiled, kissing him goodnight, gently.  He was about to try and get some sleep when he remembered what he’d been meaning to say all day.

 “By the way,” he said, softly. “I’m not going to be in the hub much tomorrow. I have somewhere to go.”

 “Oh? Where? I don’t need to be jealous, do I?” Ianto said, sleepily. “You haven’t got another guy or girl on the side?”

 “There’s no one else,” Jack promised. “It’s just something I have to do.”

 “Okay,” Ianto mumbled. “I believe you.” He yawned and closed his eyes. “Sleep now?”

Jack nodded. “Sleep now,” he agreed, running his hand through Ianto’s fine hair, inhaling the smell of him. He’d never tire of the combined scent of coffee and his aftershave and one day he knew he would miss it more than anything.

He closed his eyes, determined not to think such thoughts. Yes, he would lose Ianto one day, just like everyone else he had ever loved, but that just gave him more reason to make the most of now.  He looked down at his partner, who was now sleeping peacefully against his chest, and smiled down at him, fondly. “Love you, Ianto,” he whispered. Ianto merely smiled, softly, as though he was having a nice dream and cuddled against Jack closer.

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